Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
