i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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