I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Terrible idea I love it
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
