dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
