I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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