Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
