My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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