DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
