yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
