wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
