Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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