he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
