I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
