I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
