im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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