If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
