so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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