just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
