Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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