So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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