I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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