I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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