Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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