i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
