Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
