She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How does it feel to date your dad?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You are a genius and a whore.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
