She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
