Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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