my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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