I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
