Someone shit on the floor
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
