At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
