so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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