saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
That accounts for only three of the penises
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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