the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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