I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
