just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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