You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
