On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
