So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
