I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
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My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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