why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We had to coat check the pizza.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
