history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
