This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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