I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
