I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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