I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
