My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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