well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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