she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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