i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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