so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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