I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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