i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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