I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
