wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
