Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
